Top Domestic Threats...

...as written by our dog Obi:

1) Daily incursions on our property by driver driving on wrong side of vehicle. Stops in front of house briefly, I bark and he moves on. He becomes so terrified he doesn't come back for ten minutes and then he stops, paralyzed, on other side of the street until I bark him down the road. My master calls him "the mailman" and seems eager to chase him off too. He runs out to the road to inspect the scene of the crime. Oddly, he opens a small box and takes something out.

2) Weekly incursions on our property by large tank-like conveyance probably in league with the aforementioned mailman. This threat comes in a pair, as if realizing it takes more than just one person to fend off the likes of me. But they are particularly audacious: They steal from my master! They take something my master calls "garbage" though I call it a buffet of still delicious food items, such as nearly empty soup cans, steak bones and stale bread.

3) Quarterly incursions by a man wearing a mask to hide his identity. He goes around with a hose spraying my yard. This is the most outrageous insult and I bark and bark. If I were outside I'd make mincemeat out of him. My master calls him "the chemlawn guy". I'm glad when he steps in my poop.